


Midwest Sky

by Enigma13



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, One-Sided Attraction, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:40:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24465112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enigma13/pseuds/Enigma13
Summary: Beau was a selfish asshole. But she just hoped that she could control it a little better around Jester.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Midwest Sky

**Author's Note:**

> A small portion would make me feel I was worth something  
> I want to exist in your heart just a little bit (a little bit)  
> Exist in your heart just a little bit (a little bit)  
> A small portion would make me feel I was worth something  
> I want to exist in your heart just a little bit (just a little bit)  
> Exist in your heart just a little bit  
> \- Midwest Sky by Tiny Moving Parts

Beau always thought of herself as a selfish person. It wasn’t a super hard thing to grasp from the choices she had made in her life. It was always about her fulfilment or for her benefit. Anything that might have benefitted alongside her was a coincidence at best. She gave extraordinarily little thought to those outside of herself. Those who mattered didn’t give a damn about her, so she gave a damn about herself and showed them that they didn’t get to choose for her. But that was before the Mighty Nein. That was before Jester.

She had been totally honest with her almost from the get-go. Sure, she kept things to herself, or only told a half truth, but that was still technically the truth, and it was more than she’d done for anyone before. She guessed that they were just becoming close, like some of the books she read as a kid had said. She’d never had a best friend, and that’s what Jester was. So, it made sense to Beau. What didn’t make sense to Beau, was the gut-numbing, palm sweating, and overthinking. She didn’t do any of that stuff around anyone. Even when she was faking her normal confidence, she could push down any tells or motions in her body that might give her away, but this stuff wasn’t happening during missions or when she was lying. It was just happening around Jester.

Whether it was seeing Jester laughing at something Fjord was saying, speaking softly and understandingly to Caleb, or being crazy with Nott, Beau couldn’t shake these tells. It wasn’t for a few weeks after they started that she concluded that she was crushing on her best friend, hard. How wonderfully typical of her chaotic useless lesbian brain to do this to her. She’d never trust it again. However, it did lead to her new favorite hobby, Jester-watching. 

Jester was bombastic, fun, and wonderfully chaotic. So much so, that despite a decent talent at being able to read people and notice things, she was easy to watch unnoticed. Beau was decent at being discreet. She knew that no matter what she did she probably wouldn’t escape Cad’s notice, but he either didn’t care enough about feelings, sexual at the very least, or didn’t know enough about them to call her out on it or judge her. She was fine with that. If any of the others found out though, that would be a conversation Beau was more likely to either run away from or punch her way out of, so she was careful.

Jester-watching wasn’t so much effort either. She roomed with the girl, so she got an eyeful literally every single day. But it was watching moments where Jester interacted with other people that she really shined. Jester needed other people around so that she could spread her joy and happiness over them all and seeing her in her element was one of Beau’s secret pleasures. Whether she was trying to coax Yasha out of her shell, confusing Cad with her overtly sexual remarks, or trying to get that little tiny Caleb grin to show itself against it’s owner’s will, she was alive and it showed in Jester’s own smile. 

To Beau, it seemed like the best view of Jester was from the outside, like gazing through a window into someone’s home and learning everything about them from their furniture and what decorated their walls. She wasn’t locked in a blind panic that seemed to take over her mind when Jester was addressing her, overthinking every word, and looking for any sign that her secret feelings were returned. She could see everything from the outside, and it made Beau feel full in ways she didn’t realize she had needed.

Her life up until this point had been a slew of disappointment and selfishness. But for the first time, this group made her feel something other than that. She felt a sense of pride in the things she was doing with this group, a sense of respect that had never been afforded to her and that she’d never given to anyone before. Jester was the first one that made her feel like this group was a family, and it made the fact that Jester, and the other’s too, made her feel like she occupied a section of their hearts. It made her feel like she had worth. Maybe not that she was worthy of it, but it certainly made her want to keep trying to earn that worthiness.

Her feelings were maybe an inconvenience. She knew how some of the other’s in the group also looked at Jester. Caleb and Fjord, hell, even Yasha sometimes. She knew that the law of averages was against her. She probably had better odds just staying with her bachelorette lifestyle. There was less chance of getting hurt or holding a grudge, which she was probably a shitty enough person to do. There was also the fact that Beau thought each of those people would be better for Jester than her. She was selfish, and they all had their shit together way more than she did. Truly, she was fine with just being the best friend.

She just wished she could convince herself that she was happy with her window view of Jester and her happiness. She wished that she could be content with what she already had, not as some consolation prize, but because it was precious to her. She didn’t need to be a selfish and greedy asshole all the time. But there was still that want, that desire to take more portions of Jester’s heart for herself. 

It was a constant battle in herself that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to win or lose. She just didn’t want this feeling that she got from being with the Mighty Nein, with Jester, to go away. She just wanted to exist in their hearts, her heart. She just had to make sure she didn’t screw it up.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone. I hope you're all staying well and safe out there. This has been bumping in my head for a while, especially when I decided that I wanted to write a little something for each fandom that's given me so much I wanted to give back in whatever way I could. I hope this does justice both to the cast and crew of Critical Role for giving me so much content to love, as well as all the creators of fanart and fanworks that have given me pleasure for months.
> 
> In real-world news, however, things are pretty shitty at this moment. My heart goes out to all the people out protesting and I share their anger and disappointment at the system that literally does not care about an entire group of people that make up a large portion of our country. So, I want to thank everyone that has the ability to donate to the cause, or protesting, you have all my respect and support. I'm so angry and sad at everything. I can only imagine how much worse it is for those affected minorities. Black Lives Matter. Stay safe out there, and do what you need to do,


End file.
